April 19, 2025 ~ Saturday

Good morning!

Highs of yesterday:

• Good communication with mom. She approves of steps I’m taking, even if it means not running back to work, it seems

• Heard from Lew first time in a minute. He shared info on a link between nutrition and mental health, and a couple links about spirituality

• Good weekend planning in the morning, even though it’s going to be a tough weekend. It’s going to be hard not celebrating with the kids. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself.

• Good group. Opened up in the morning about the upcoming weekend, and fear of getting ill again any time in the future. How can someone with soooo much experience get so unwell and not know it?

• Met with psychiatrist and learned can take meds at any time of day, good for keeping control of weight, and, I have room to go up on one if depression continues

• Went by library and grabbed a bunch of books to help with the weekend.

• Read while sitting in sun for a bit

• Had time to nap and apparently needed it

• Went to AA meeting and signed up for home group. Shared moments in time when there must have been a higher power looking out for me, and, discussed outside working on step 3

• Felt confident would rather work through steps on my own than force a relationship with a sponsor I don’t connect well with

• Listened to a sermon shared by Amy and read a daily devotional about not knowing Jesus’ thoughts, and, him weeping for those who are not believers. They will experience a second death?

• Read Agnostics in AA Big Book at home, and, appendix 2

• Didn’t hear from date. I guess he understands

• Didn’t miss going out on Fridays, this time. Felt contentment with what I did, including reading on the porch for a little while after my meeting

• Committed to going to Easter parade with Meg and girls.

Lows from yesterday

• Sadness thinking about upcoming weekend and not being a part of an egg hunt, watching a parade or taking photos of dressed up babies

• Sent ugly happy birthday to cm and blocked him so he can’t give ugly response. “Happy Birthday Jerk.” Not proud of this

• Felt resentment toward staff that being pushed through program in 4 weeks. Was supposed to be 8-10 weeks. Big difference.

• Ate horribly. A large amount of chips. Cookies. Pretzels. Nothing good for me.

• Wasn’t crazy about my choice of a book to read.

• Trouble focusing on what I was reading. Had to keep reading same things multiple times to try to retain it

• Napped. Been trying not to do this.

• M didnt come to meeting or let me know she wasn’t until start of it via text. Was hoping she’d be sponsor but don’t want this now

• Felt a significant amount of anger and resentment for all of the dangerous situations I’ve been in over the years… reflection over step 3… but… can’t figure out who I’m angry with. Driving while psychotic 6 times… but I can’t tie them all to alcohol. Not even half. Driving drunk after events. T putting something up my nose. More. How am I alive and haven’t killed anyone? So… a higher power has been looking out for me, but, also permitted me to be in the situations in the first place

• Felt frustrated with girl for judging me for taking notes and working through step 3 without a sponsor

• Had trouble understanding parts of AA Big Book read at home

Getting ready to jump in shower and go to another AA meeting. I enjoy a speaker meeting on Sat mornings. Last night was a book reading meeting.

So far this morning is starting well. Connected with Meg on the porch. Slept really well, waking up only one or two times. Interesting dream about working on a cruise ship. Coffee is good. Riley wasn’t ready to eat and let me know. Will leave nails as it for a little while longer, from Rowan’s paint job. Looked up gift idea for Mother’s Day. Read daily devotional, about AA helps individuals learn to care about others. Very nice to think the program does this. Scale said only 171, thought it was going to be really bad.

I’m wondering if my wrap plan is even worth updating. I wonder what my kids would say. It’s helpful for one reason if no other, to keep updated with service providers and medications.

I’m back and forth per usual about my book.

I’m thinking a fresh haircut may help mood.

I’m really wishing I could be inspired to do some marketing ads.

I’m hoping to hear about opportunity to spend time with the kids.

List of plenty of things can do today, but what I want is to see them.

Time to shower.

Medication, down to only back pain med in morning. Coffee. Celsious drink started on accident last night before bed. Facebook. Blog. Thought about fun with camera.

Grateful for family and friends. Riley. Whomever has been reading my blog. AA program. My cravings have subsided, I think little about drinking, so, my sobriety. My mood feels ok and I’m looking forward to some sun today.

Have an amazing day.