April 21, 2025 ~ Monday

Good morning

Highs of the past couple days:

• Spent a good amount of time with my kids, including Easter morning fun, watching an egg hunt, bubble play and play with chalk spray. I love them so much

• Junior reached for me a lot

• Rowan was all over me like she used to be, including begging me to stay

• Let Rowan paint my nails something awful lol

• Cleaned up Gabby’s kitchen nice

• Took a bunch of photos with my old camera

• Went to an event with Meg and friends, Parade on Monument, fun. We ate well and walked a while… enjoying a hot but beautiful day and people watching. Spirits were high everywhere

• It took a lot of patience to get through the parade because my mood just wasn’t good. Didn’t wear a hat. Didn’t permit photos. Felt really, really down but pushed through

• Reached out to family and friends via text about the holiday

• Had dinner with Rachel and family. They’re pretty great

• Felt extremely grateful for Meg’s friendship

• Felt grateful for not wasting the day away in bed

• In bed at good hour

• Didn’t drink though everyone else was

• Been working AA steps without a sponsor. Can do it on my own if necessary

Lows:

• Feeling like a serious piece of doo doo when reminded of all other women my age have at this time of their lives. I have little to show for 50 years. No home

• Ate too much and poorly

• Fearing running out of money soon, again, and not knowing how I’ll pay my bills

• Really unhappy about not knowing what to do with my mattresses and the storage facility. They’ll be gone soon if I don’t pay 185

• Couldn’t get in the mood to go through photos from Easter. They didn’t turn out very well. Very blurry

• Acutely aware of lack of creativity and energy for work

• Thought about exiting left

• Feel like no man in his right mind would ever want me

• Feel like there will never be a normal for me again. Missed old life with E

• Didn’t get Riley any exercise

• I’m having trouble focusing on the read, step 4 of the AA program

• So frustrated with the experiences I had with sponsors not ready to try another

• I’ve decided D doesn’t show enough respect for me or others.. I no longer want to work for him. As desperate for work as I am, I can’t be treated so

  
  

I had a realization and I don’t know if it was good or bad. I let my case against Emmit go because of my history in court with my son’s father. Instead of taking my attorney’s advice, and continuing the case… I opted for getting it over with. I needed to move on with my life. I know how court can turn into a game. I know how people can love the challenge. How anything can happen when you’re there.

I know what he did.

I know that I didn’t start getting well until I let it go.

I’m angry. But I protected myself.

Am up with plenty of time to get ready for group. Meg was up early for a little bit. Facebook. Blog.

Grateful for family and friends. Riley. Sobriety. But really, really down about finances and future. 🥹 Need to remember to journal and get rid of these negative thoughts tonight.

Supposed to play pool tonight but should try to save $