April 23, 2025 ~ Wednesday

Good morning.

I took a medication in the morning yesterday instead of waiting until bedtime and… I had some creative thoughts about income possibilities in the late afternoon. This is very different for me. Usually by that time I’m getting tired and needing a nap. I’m angry that such a small change could make such a difference in my quality of life. I’m angry that my body is slave to medication. I’m angry that I still don’t have concrete answers and maybe never will. What now?

I didn’t take a nap but wished I could. I could tell I wasn’t tired enough. I didn’t push it because that was a goal, but I had trouble figuring out what to do with the time. (The work ideas didn’t last long and there was a lot of down time)

I had dinner and visited with the kids last night. Can’t get enough of them. Rowan was sweet and loving… Junior I could eat him up!! Oy he made a total mess with his Mac n cheese and beans! I rinsed him off in the tub.

Gabby and I talked a little about trying to plan something special for Rowan to do with me for her birthday, coming up in a few weeks. The big 6!

Home and in bed by 10pm.

Woke up ready to try another morning of the medication. Spoke to Meg and got a hug. I need more human contact I think. And I’m so grateful for her!

This morning I have group. Maybe I’ll squeeze in some exercise. I spent yesterday afternoon, a big part of it, reading the books I checked out of the library last week. One, High Performing Habits, gave me the idea that I need serious clarity into what I want for my life in the future. I’ve rarely thought too far ahead.

Challenge is… rebuild a career to lose it again? I wish I knew if I could stay well. I would like to create a plan for earning and saving $$ for a house. I actually put a little aside early last year to try to start saving. Had to spend it of course.

I wonder how my body would have behaved if Emmit hadn’t done what he did last year. Would I have spun into mania anyway? Close to 8 months of instability! It’s crazy.

Before he did what he did, I had been getting more and more depressed. Rick was really worried about me, checking on me almost every day.

I took myself into Henrico County Mental Health 2 days prior and started the process of seeing a new therapist, telling them I had been having suicidal thoughts. I quit drinking on that day. It stuck for 5 or so weeks until I was able to resign from my job.

Which reminds me… yesterday was 60 days for me this time.

So… I have a long list of things I can do after group today. We’ll see what kind of mood I’m in then. A priority should be setting up my printer in my room and preparing for job interviews tomorrow. I need to print out resumes.

I’m going through the motions of applying for jobs, including interviews, as I have applied for unemployment insurance benefits. I’m still in survival mode financially because I don’t know if I’ll be approved for disability. Crazy to think I may be turned down again. I don’t see how.

Meds. Coffee. Soda. (Terrible addiction right now). Riley. Facebook. Blog.

I’m grateful for my family and friends. Riley. To have a roof over my head. To have been given a little financial help from mom. To have a little time. For my group therapy appointments. For the AA program (need a 60 day chip!). For being ok with being alone (without a boyfriend). For the weather, not too hot, not cold.

I miss thinking I may be able to visit my nieces. I can’t imagine my brother allowing me to now. Not since getting sick again.

I miss the confidence I felt when manic.

I miss the feeling of having the great job and office at AAPCO.

Wait. I’m supposed to be going through what I’m grateful for. ❤️