April 28, 2025 ~ Monday

Good morning!

Back pain (psoriatic arthritis?) medication, coffee, Riley and Bear… Facebook, Blog.

Thinking about how much I want to keep writing and being creative for the rest of my short life. Because life is so short.

I had a scary dream last night:

I was at a restaurant with my family, including my 20-something (it was a dream) son, and my toddler son (again, a DREAM). We were having a family gathering, similar to the ones I used to enjoy with my ex-husband’s family. We were having pizza.

I was struggling to keep up with my toddler, until he fell asleep at a table.

I was struggling to take photos of my kids. My 20-something’s girlfriend got smart with me because she was irritated about the photo-taking. I was trying to warn my son about her after that, saying to be so disrespectful to his mother, she was just like Kiersten! (His former girlfriend, super disrespectful girl). She LOOKED like her too.

I was connecting with a young man… dancing naked flamboyantly, for a little while… being swung around like a rock star. It crossed my mind, in the dream, that I found joy in life. And in my dream, I KNEW that I’d been looking for someone who would dance with me like that.

I took a break from my family for a moment to get a drink so that I could “be like them” and fit in. It was in a tall, thin glass I had trouble balancing without spilling. It was a STRONG drink I learned after a few healthy tastes. It was a screwdriver. I tucked it away behind something. I’d had enough.

I lost my young lover in the crowd… saw him through a window. He was just outside for a minute, with others his age, perhaps smoking, or waiting on all of us, our party, to gather our belongings to leave.

I spent time locating my toddler, waking him up to go. Such an angel.

As we were all walking out, I noticed my 20-something sitting in a booth with an entirely different party. Confused, I tried to stop and talk to see what was going on, tried to take another photo of him and again, warn him about his girlfriend. But I was pushed through the crowd and out the door.

In the parking lot… well on the sidewalk… I was approached by Ryan. He let me in on a secret, to ease my mind. Don’t worry mama, he’s just juggling two women until he finds the heart to break it off with one of them. (He’d given the Kiersten-looking one the slip and was on another date)

I had an overwhelming feeling of relief. It was all going to be okay. I wasn’t crazy, it was him at the table inside (worried I was losing it), and he was just in the middle of a dilemma. Normal behavior for a person his age. And it was his birthday after all. So he would be trying to spend time with as many of his friends as possible. Made sense!

I went back into the restaurant to try to connect with him, just to say goodbye. We could talk about the photo-taking, his lovelife, anything else… another day. But I couldn’t find him. Decided to stop looking. No worries.

And THEN I remembered… I had been sober for months and had no intention of drinking alcohol before the party started. And it was too late! I’d already blown my sobriety! And I needed to get another white chip.

I remember it was disappointing, but okay. Everyone in the rooms had slipped from time to time. And knew what they were talking about.

Alcoholism!!!

End of dream.

THAT is exactly how alcoholism works. An alcoholic “forgets” and drinks. If I were in the same position in life, I may have decided to finish that drink. It was so strong it may have sent me over the edge. I may have been too embarrassed to tell anyone I drank, and slipped out of the party, and tried to get myself home quickly. And wrecked my car and died.

Like I almost did last year.

Have an amazing day! It looks like mine is off to a GREAT start!