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  • Writer's pictureMiMi

April 29, 2024 ~ Monday

Okay. Enough is enough. I spent a BEAUTIFUL Sunday afternoon laying in a dark house weeping on and off, sleeping, and binging a Netflix series. I had a million things I could’ve taken care of… or at least sat out in the yard for a while with something to read! It was gorgeous.

I did go visit my kids for a couple of hours. But I left kind of quickly thinking I’d get the mulch spread finally. But when I got home, my mood just changed again. I didn’t sleep well. So I napped for probably 2.5 hours before even attempting the mulch. 5 minutes in to it and I brought myself back to the sofa. Turned on Outlander and cried.

I think the biggest problem with me right now is not sleeping soundly. I’m still up and down all night even with the melatonin. I had a good couple of nights with it… then my old patterns started again. I overheard someone on the TV say it helps people get to sleep faster, not stay asleep. Maybe I’ll try benedryl again. Or call my doctor for something stronger. Can I really keep complaining when I know so many other things I can but don’t do? A quiet routine. Bath. Read. I have issues.

I did a video call with my kids and confessed my state ro Gabby, who sweetly invited me to stay on the phone longer or come back over. She was really great.

I’m reminded of a sad story I heard years ago from another woman in recovery like me. She told a crowd that her grandchildren were her greatest source of pain. I couldn’t understand how that could be at the time but learned over the years how. It’s hard to be a grandparent sometimes.

I literally turned Rowan down for an overnight Sat because I wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t do anything. Didn’t go out with friends or do anything to help myself during the time. I just didn’t have any energy and my mood was down. I can’t understand how I could feel so much better and take her on not one night but two just last weekend.

I imagine the woman from the story also felt how different her ability to be a grandmother was due to her illness. Perhaps she didn’t have the right to babysit or see them at all. It could have been any number of things.

I know that I don’t like feeling like any part of my life is different because of my health, especially my Grandparenting/parenting.

There is another big thing at play in my life right now. My challenges with work. I’m having so much anxiety over it that it hurts. It’s no wonder I don’t have any energy.

It’s all going to be okay. I need to get ready for work and get through the day. I am blessed that my boss is on a mission trip this week so I won’t have to deal with him, hopefully.

Meds/vitamins. Dogs. Water. Coffee. News. Facebook. Blog.

KJ turned 4 months yesterday!

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