Concept of Time

Something that really bothers me about this on again, off again, thing with JD... the concept of time.

Because of my mental health challenges and the practice of trying different medications, I'm acutely aware of how differently time can pass for one person versus another.

For me, a change in medication last year brought this to my attention fantastically. It has become the greatest challenge I've ever faced, battling time and what to do with so much of it now that I'm on a new medication. I think clearer, process thoughts in a more organized and intentful way, and as a result I get more done. And often have a lot of time on my hands.

So I can't help but think... how does time pass for him? How can I judge him when I don't know what it's like to think like him?

Our most recent issue transpired after I was left almost entirely alone for nearly 2 weeks. For me, this seemed like a very long time. But did it for him? Who's to say what or how often he thought of me during that time frame?

He said he was busy getting ready for his cross-country road trip (Sturgis). He said he didn't want to be under a vehicle if he had me over. He said he planned to invite me over the night before he left, but we were arguing that morning.

If I'd known that he had planned to see me that Sunday night, and believed he was too busy to see me during the two weeks, then I may not have gone for a walk with another man. I'm still having trouble believing he couldn't carve a little time out for a visit with me. That would be enough for any girl to walk away, right?

Why was it so difficult for him to tell me his plan? He told me he was testing me... leaving me alone to see how I would behave.

He was saying good mornings... nothing throughout the days. No how were your days. No phone calls or texts. No good nights. He took me to a movie on Sunday (2 Sundays ago). The invitation to the movie didn't come until after 5 that same night, we met there and went home separately.

I don't understand the testing. Some people would call them games. But I just think he's being very, very careful trying to do the right thing with me, and screwing some things up in the process.

He's concerned about my mental health and right to be. It's a big deal to get involved with a woman (or man) with challenges like mine. He's also being mindful of himself and his own needs. Wants to make sure that he's ready when he gets into another relationship. He says he's not, but thinks someday he may be. He says that he thinks someday we could be more.

All I know is when he's relaxed he's almost always happy and very fun to be around. And sweet. Kind. Thoughtful.

I have too much time on my hands!

The way things have been left, we're both free to see whomever we want and he's off to Sturgis. Dear Lord keep him and his companions safe on the road. Dear Lord keep me out of trouble while he's gone. I don't need to be jumping on the back of any more mechanical bulls! Dear Lord, help me find peace with whatever happens. I'm trying to be responsible for my own happiness, and I'm growing tired of walking through this world alone.