I'm really struggling. I did a couple things yesterday that I shouldn't have. First, I meddled in my son's life and made a bad situation worse for him. Then, I laid into M in texts and got myself blocked from him on Facebook.
With my son, anger at his step-mom for stress she's put on his relationship with his dad, at such a critical time in his life, made me feel like I should take some action. I made things worse. And ended up getting blasted in messages by two hateful women saying the most horrible things. I'll never be able to unsee them.
I don't know why I felt the need to invite the drama in my life. All I know is I was angry, so angry at what I was hearing was being said.
With M, I really don't know what he's thinking. I blasted his ability in texts to control his emotions. Pointing out that I'm the one with an emotional disability, not him. According to him the other night, unless I'm wrong, which I may be, the main reason he doesn't want to try a relationship with me is his jealous nature. Well I told him he could learn and grow and control it like everyone else. Or, he is a liar and it is just an excuse.
I did also call him a jerk on social media. He calls himself an asshole. Did I really think what I was doing was ok?
I put it out there in a post that my heart was hurting, because I'm disappointed. He and I had some fun, and had made some plans. I admit, I used social media to get some attention. I felt I needed it at the time. The outpouring of attention received was kinda special. And M said it was proof that I'll be fine.
After he told me that, I went back into the thread and told a friend I didn't need to talk, that he was just a jerk.
I don't know if he blocked me for that or my hateful texts.
Do I really know him well enough to miss him? Being disconnected with him on social media is not the end of the world. The thought of seeing him in the community, that's a little different.
What do I need to do to get through this day with all of this new negative baggage in my head? Just took my meds/vitamins. Will shower soon. Try not to think of the mess I made with my son or think of some way to make it up? Wish I could undo it.
Rowan is in recovery from surgery in her mouth, the poor thing. Try to find time to take her something.
Need to go to Hampton by 9 for holiday cards, then the office holiday lunch.
The evening with G may be ruined from lack of sleep. He knows I've been down about M and offered to take me to a nice dinner.
Ugh. Pick up benedryl so I can sleep well tonight.
😢
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