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  • Writer's pictureMiMi

May 12, 2024 ~ Mother’s Day

Yesterday was incredibly hard. I had to lay Diesel to rest and I wasn’t allowed to attend Rowan’s 5th birthday party.

Getting ready to leave for our appointment, I was sure I was making the right decision. Diesel had not acknowledged me since my return from skating fri night. I was worried he wasn’t even going to survive the night he lay so still. I didn’t make him use the potty and he showed no inclination to need to go all night and morning.

But, when I finally picked him out of the bed and took him out he went. And returned to his bed. And watched me waiting, like he knew it was almost time for a ride.

I made it a good long one, and he enjoyed every minute. So much so that I almost changed the plan to hold onto him a little longer.

It started by asking him if he wanted to go for a “Ride,” and he did. I helped him up, then had to stop him from trying the porch stairs on his own. He was ready!

Then, he made it clear to me that no, he did not want to lay in the backseat like Friday, he wanted up front! I was surprised because I thought the back would be more comfortable. Turned out he wanted to be with me, and to be able to see where we were going.

I enjoyed watching him enjoy complete access to a brand new bag of pupperoni brought along for breakfast. He hung over the seat with his head dipped into the bag, which must have been heaven. But.. then he preferred the jerky I also had to offer better. He was hungry.

He laid down for awhile as it was a long drive. I still take my dogs to out old vet in Chesterfield, 40 min away, because I’ve just always loved the practice. Town and Country Veterinary Clinic in Chester, Virginia.

We went through a car wash, and mailed mom’s birthday card.

We then went to Pocahontas State Park to the reservoir. Diesel has never been a lover of water like other dogs but it was a nice morning and he did walk into it a little, his choice. What he did enjoy was walking a little around the water, and all of the wonderful smells. Still, he didn’t seem to want to stray far from the car.

Getting back in the jeep, Diesel didn’t want any more Pupperoni but did seem to want something so we head to WaWa for more of the jerky. I was right. He ate so much more! I let him until he didn’t want anymore.

We arrived a few minutes before our appointed time. I left him in the jeep for a minute to take care of the paperwork and do you know he was standing up looking for me when I came back for him? The energy. Again, I questioned my decision.

But, with further conversation with Dr. Holdman (Holdman?), bone cancer is really painful. He may have been trying to tell me how much pain he was in at the house, with his lack of activity. Just because he wasn’t moaning, that does not mean he wasn’t in pain. She said even if we removed his leg, he probably would pass within the month and, it could be a really, really painful day. She said I was making the right decision, that she wouldn’t put any of her animals through it.

The thing is, I also could not go on the way I’d been, trying to take him for rides at every opportunity. There was no guarantee the weather would cooperate like it had a little, cooling off enough to take Diesel during the day, and driving at night after a workday of driving was starting to take a toll. It was tiring. Friday morning I had to return to the house twice, first because I realized I’d left with flip flops on. The second time I’d realized I forgot my medication. I can’t do that. Even though my morning meds aren’t really the important ones.

So if I couldn’t take Diesel in the day because it may be too hot, and riding at night after driving all day was hard, what would a few more weeks of Diesel’s life really look like? He wouldn’t even acknowledge me in the house Fri night or Sat morning, until it came time to go. That was no way to live.

It was time. If he could go peacefully, and not have a day of crisis and agony, it was time.

Poor Diesel. He tried to go back out of the building when we got inside. The vet’s assistant told me that I would have a little time with him once sedated and they wouldn’t give him the shot until I was ready.

But they gave him the shot before I said go anyway. There was nothing I could do it was done. Apparently the vet’s assistant didn’t know the process. Anyway, I was there and the doctor was talking to me kindly and I had my head down and didn’t see her do it. And Diesel passed peacefully. I couldn’t even tell when it happened.

I stayed with him for a little while after listening to a bunch of talk about the rainbow bridge and affirmations that I did the right thing.

I left and messaged a few people to let them know it was done and drove home to be with Riley, and to wait for the party I wasn’t invited to to end.

I shared Diesel’s passing on Facebook with a few photos taken over the past couple of days and went to sleep for awhile.

When I got word that the party was over I took Rowan her gift. She spent a little time with me then got distracted with her friends and I was in a terrible state so decided to leave quickly. There were still so many people there and it was really hard to talk to anyone. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t permitted to be there for the opening of presents. To watch Rowan’s joy.

Kalob stopped me at my car. It was a difficult conversation. It seems Eric’s sisters can’t commit to be cordial in my presence. It was more important to have them at the party, than me. Kalob didn’t want to have friction between adults in front of Rowan. Said he didn’t want to have to kick me and Nicole out of the party. He said a lot more than that, but I’m still processing. There’s nothing I can do. It was done.

I’ve thought about calling the women and apologizing, but am I really sorry? I am sorry that I was a terrible sister-in-law. I am. I wish I could change many things. The depression that I battled because of custody issues for so many years, for example. It made me difficult to talk to. I was such a negative person and challenge to be around. Instead of living and enjoying life, and growing as a person, like they were, my thoughts were on the next court date, keeping notes for my attorney, and struggles trying to stay involved in Kalob’s life.

I am also sorry that my memory was so bad over the years, which caused me to do and say terrible, thoughtless things. Every now and then specific things come to mind, like not being able to remember L’s wine preference at the store. Why was it so difficult for me? I was part of her family for 16 years.

I remember other terrible things that I did. Like making it more important to have photos of kids with Santa by the Christmas tree during a party one year than in the den where NaNa was. She changed her mind about coming to the living room, with her wheel chair, because it was challenging for her. I was actually frustrated because she’d told me she would the week before. I was trying to decide which room to put the tree in and could have put it in the den for her, if I remember correctly. I can’t believe I did that. I tried to call and apologize to her for that last week and may again. I just didn’t understand the importance and value of family and making memories with them like I should have at the time. I can go on about things I see differently now and things I should apologize for but I’m running out of time to get ready for breakfast.

As for hurting Eric. It’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt him. I do believe that we are very different people and the divorce was inevitable. Even during our last encounter, I was reminded of a quality of his that is just different than me.

I do know that his sisters tried to love and like me over the years. I feel like I could apologize for some things. But how?

I went home. Watched some Outlander. Spoke with some friends. Went to sleep.

I’ve been invited to breakfast at Kalob’s this morning before babysitting KJ. Rowan is being taken zip-lining.

Dear Lord, if you’re there, please help me get through another day. I’m hurting.

It helps that I still have my Riley, who doesn’t seem to be behaving any differently, yet.

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