November 16, 2023 ~ Loved Him

It was a very short period of time that we were together, and perhaps my health had some to do with it, but I felt I loved him!

Today, I remember it like it was yesterday, the things I loved about him. Yes, I had a lot more to learn because we hadn't known each other long. But the things I loved about him, they're still there. His intelligence. His eyes. His words. His arrogance, even. And, I think, his vulnerability. He carries his history like a very heavy load. 53 years of it, not 63.

He's still attracted to me too. Asked me how my nose can be so small. lol. Said he remembered me batting my eyes at him when we first met. And he remembers... everything.

He said I remember too much. How odd it must be for him to see me now, compared to then. What it must have been like to see me then. I'd say I can't imagine, but I took a lot of photos, including selfies, and I can. I looked a combination of beautiful, and crazy at times. I could see it in the shared photo, I let myself go. I felt beautiful and decided not to do my hair, go without makeup (or go with very little), and wear a dress purchased at WalMart. Can't believe I bought a dress there.

I was feeling like I didn't need to prove anything to the world and it was great. I imagine I felt for a brief time how others feel every day, without the anxiety caused by worrying about what the rest of the world thinks. I wish I still felt that way.

Sadly, the reason many people with challenges like mine choose not to take medication is this great feeling, that of feeling comfortable in your skin, free of worry, only comes with a degree of mania, for them. It is believed that it is worth the risk, going without medication, avoiding being slowed, or "dumbed" down.

Me, last year, at the time this photo was taken... I believe that yes, I was feeling a degree of mania BUT... I may have been able to avoid hospitalization and loss of my job with an increase in one of my medications. I started a new medication in April that was life-changing. It was AMAZING the difference in the way my mind was able to process information. My ability to start and complete tasks became crazy on point. But I also knew and shared with others that I didn't know if I was on the right dosage or not. Only time would be able to tell.

I knew that I didn't feel 100% stable, but I didn't know if the stabilization was going to come without a change in dosage or not. By the time July came around it became clear to others that I was in need of help. BUT... if I'd had a husband or someone closer to me I may have been able to handle matters differently, from home. I'm not upset with anyone for the way things worked out, just saying... this is what happened.

There were a couple of instances when I was married when I needed my medications adjusted and it was able to be done before I moved into a stage of crisis. Yes, there was a time or two when being in a hospital would have also been safer for me.

I remember wrecking my car once when trying to leave my husband, during a manic phase. He told me he wouldn't have come to help me at the time if he'd known I was trying to leave him. I was driving with the dogs in a rainstorm... Two days of sleep at home, food, and meds brought me to myself at that time.

I remember needing help walking down the streets of San Fransisco once too. I needed to not be alone. A friend, Wendy, helped me. I wrote an article about that experience. My husband knew that I was struggling with my mental health a little but still helped me to get on a plane for a business trip. It's really incredible to think about it now. He was so wonderful to help me and while I was on my trip, I got well. I couldn't have been around greater people at the time, at the WRAP Around the World Conference. A program by and for individuals with mental health challenges. ❤️❤️❤️ Wendy knew that I needed to be writing in my journal all throughout the night in our hotel room and she let me. ❤️❤️❤️

The reasons my son decided I needed help in 2022 included: I was drinking alot, dating someone too quickly (whom he didn't care for), close to losing my job, losing my keys, starting too many projects (I found a leak in my shed and pulled everything out while in the process of painting the entire inside of my house), selling jewelry (I decided it was time to sell my wedding rings - my son thought I was going to sell different jewelry), more. I was also argumentative. And I remember him saying it wasn't like me not to want to have Rowan overnight, but all I wanted was to finish painting the inside of my house before having her over again.

But back to HIM. What it must have been like for him then, and now. The man from that time.

I know he's thinking about me too. And it's sexy.

I think I saw his truck parked by the road as I was being driven home in an Uber last night. I was tempted to be dropped off where he was but I'm making an effort to work on my routine and go out less. And I need to take my car into the shop early this morning.

What I need, if he's interested, is to somehow know that I would be the only one.

What I need, if he's interested, is to somehow know that it would be healthy. That WE, could be healthy together.

If you're interested, it might be a good time for a proper date.

Meds/vitamins... dogs... coffee... blog... may write some today. It's time to write the section in my book about sex, for those fresh out of an episode of psychosis. A tricky part of it. 😉

And soon, I'll drop my car off to be serviced. Fingers crossed it's not a major problem it's having!