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  • Writer's pictureMiMi

October 13, 2023 ~ Day and Night

Good morning! Was just thinking about a day and night difference in my life and attitude from last year at this time to now. Pretty great.

Last year at this time I wasn't long out of an episode that cost me a great job. I was fired when I was in the hospital in July. I was on a great new medication but needed an increase in the dosage.

In October I started a new job in sales at Harley-Davidson (later was moved into marketing). I was having a serious struggle with negative thinking. Journaling at night revealed suicidal thoughts. I wasn't making plans... but I was trying to find purpose.

I don't think I'd had my first overnight yet with Rowan since my episode. Kalob was waiting to make sure I was ok.

I was trying to make a difficult decision about one of my best girlfriends. I was coming to realize she was a terrible friend after all. It was really, really difficult.

The day I started at HD I was told that the awesome man who hired me was on his way out the door. His wife had taken a job in Texas and it was only going to be a matter of weeks before he was gone. One of the other sales reps was a veteran with PTSD and serious anxiety issues, and he was being really difficult to work with, having negative thoughts of his own. He quit without notice not long after.

I was having a hard time not calling G, who told me to stop calling him. It was crushing. One of the most difficult things to deal with when it comes to life after crisis is rejection. I loved him.

My ability to process information in my brain was amazing, new and different on the new medication. And scary. For the first time in decades I was able to follow through with instructions. Complete tasks. And I was finding myself with way too much time on my hands as a result. I had no idea what to do without myself half the time.

I'd spent many years afraid to cook because I couldn't stay focused on the task. I didn't make my own breakfasts because I worried I'd forget I had something on the stove. Seriously.

And I was afraid to go out in public too much. Afraid of some of the people I would run into. Embarrassed by my episode. Afraid of so much.

My breakfast this morning...

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